Exam Time

~Countdown to Exam~

t-7 days : You organize your notes. Make neat piles, schedule the week. Begin the first lecture, taking your time, relishing in the science, paying extra attention to the details. Go to dinner with friends (you worked hard today, you’ve earned it!)

t-6 days: Wake up fully rested. Shower, exercise (need to stay healthy right?) Make your way to a coffee shop. Study for a few hours, feel proud of yourself. Call mom, call that friend you’ve been meaning to talk to, browse the internet (after all, you studied so hard this morning!)

t-5 days: You feel a little knot forming in your stomach, but you ignore it. You look at your schedule, you didn’t do as much as you would have liked yesterday but you console yourself, you still have five whole days. More than enough time to get through the work.

t-4 days: Accidentally sleep in, rush to class forgetting to grab that book. Leave class and head straight to the library. It was a long day but your motivation is still fresh, you get a few good hours in before making your way home, determined to get up early.

t-3 days: 6 am and you are immediately on the metro, note cards out, reading while you walk. You realize you need to get a lot done today, decide to skip that micro lecture to study (micro exam isn’t for another 10 days). But you've been up since 6 am... Sleep and tired, that pile of lecture looks suspiciously big, you could have sworn you got through more (no matter, plenty of time left).
***
So begins the should haves... should’ve started earlier, shouldn’t’ve gone out eat, should’ve put off that phone call...
***
t-2 days: Wake up, look at the date and a sudden pain descends (only two days left!) That slowly growing knot feels like a tumor, sucking your energy and motivation. You feel the weight of the remaining work, that insurmountable mountain of knowledge. You steel yourself against the wind and begin climbing. Keeping your mind on page in front of you, you strive for an exalted level of focus. Must study.

t-24 hours: Sleep deprived, you arise. Forget showering, forget breakfast. Grab coffee and you are in the library. You don’t even kid yourself about going to class, there is too much to do.
***
Sitting there, blankly staring at the page, you think of your future patients. You imagine that moment, years from now, where a treatment decision rests on your shoulders. Instead of inspiring you to focus and study harder, it depresses you further. You reflect on all that you’ve studied and subsequently forgotten.

Hundreds of these imaginary moments assault your mind. Layer upon layer they build up in the pit of your stomach, no less real than any other moment in your life, making you sick.
***
t-12 hours: You’ve made the first pass, but now looking back, you can’t remember what you studied 6 days ago. The monster of futility grabs at your limbs, dragging you down into despair but you resist. Must keep working, must keep studying.
***
Imagine failing. Imagine seeing that 60. Imagine the look on your dad’s face, the kind words from your friends (which sting all the more, serving only to highlight your failure). Imagine having to drop out, having to explain to everyone that you weren't good enough.
***
t-6 hours: Get the sadness out of your system. Realize that you have worked and you do know a little bit. Maybe you’ll be okay.

t-4 hours: Nope. Nope nope nope. You are going to fail. Go to sleep feeling like the world is ending.

t-0 hours: You beg, just pass, just pass. Next time you’ll be better, you’ll work harder and smarter. Just pass.

Blast off...

******************************


So the season of Finals is here. Wooo. I swear I've been saying for years that I'll have better study habits for the next test... The next test is like the fabled tomorrow, it never really gets here :P

Effectively not studying

Energy Minimums

Let’s talk of energy landscapes
with peaks and valleys,
excited states & local minimums

Ask me about passion
I’ll point to a peak
Ask me about desire
I’ll grab your hand, we’ll go

Climbing & running
Together.
up up and up

Every look, every touch, every kiss
a packet of energy, electromagnetic,
draws us together
and we raise each other
up up and up

Exploding onto the peak
I’ll look into your eyes
and we will fall
down down and down

Entwined and embracing,
connecting, sharing
every breath, every thought, every laugh
down down and down.

Sinking past our old valleys
into a new
more stable, and shared
energy minimum.
****

It feels good to write again, I've really missed it. I'd like to thank my friend X for helping me get back into it. Without her push I would probably still be thinking about writing instead of actually writing.

Let me know what you think!

Blip.

I'm not dead. Not yet at least :)

I got a Masters in Biomedical Sciences. I got accepted into Medical School. Woo. I am now single but still friends with my ex. I laughed a lot. I cried some. I ran a lot. Like... a lot. I bike now, everywhere.

I accepted being atheist and it has helped me grow in ways that I didn't know were possible. It has allowed me to accept myself completely and see the world with shining eager eyes. I love to wake up in the morning.

Suffice it to say, a lot has happened these last few years.

Shall we jump in?

~~~
You tell me I'm condemned (yet I smile).
You tell me I'm evil (yet I smile - not with sarcasm).
You tell me that I don't deserve to live (yet I still smile - really).
I smile because I finally understand you.

You are scared (I'm here).
You are unsure (I'm here - seriously).
You are afraid of being wrong (I'm still here).
I am still here because I know how you feel.

There isn't any place for you to go after you die.
And that's okay.
You aren't going to see your loved ones again.
And that's okay.
The universe is large, complex, and ultimately apthetic.
And that's still okay.

As long we are here for each other, as long as we love each other, we don't need an afterlife.
We can make heaven here.
~~~

Uh wasn't expecting to write that. I'm a bit rusty, cut me some slack :)