Control

Excessive inhibition of your personal desires can lead to the inopportune aggregation of hope, the termination of the translation of your dreams into actions. Depletion of willpower gives way to rash peaks in graph tracking modulation of moderation.

Sometimes you have to just do what you want to do so that you can have the will to do what you need to do later.

Exam Time

~Countdown to Exam~

t-7 days : You organize your notes. Make neat piles, schedule the week. Begin the first lecture, taking your time, relishing in the science, paying extra attention to the details. Go to dinner with friends (you worked hard today, you’ve earned it!)

t-6 days: Wake up fully rested. Shower, exercise (need to stay healthy right?) Make your way to a coffee shop. Study for a few hours, feel proud of yourself. Call mom, call that friend you’ve been meaning to talk to, browse the internet (after all, you studied so hard this morning!)

t-5 days: You feel a little knot forming in your stomach, but you ignore it. You look at your schedule, you didn’t do as much as you would have liked yesterday but you console yourself, you still have five whole days. More than enough time to get through the work.

t-4 days: Accidentally sleep in, rush to class forgetting to grab that book. Leave class and head straight to the library. It was a long day but your motivation is still fresh, you get a few good hours in before making your way home, determined to get up early.

t-3 days: 6 am and you are immediately on the metro, note cards out, reading while you walk. You realize you need to get a lot done today, decide to skip that micro lecture to study (micro exam isn’t for another 10 days). But you've been up since 6 am... Sleep and tired, that pile of lecture looks suspiciously big, you could have sworn you got through more (no matter, plenty of time left).
***
So begins the should haves... should’ve started earlier, shouldn’t’ve gone out eat, should’ve put off that phone call...
***
t-2 days: Wake up, look at the date and a sudden pain descends (only two days left!) That slowly growing knot feels like a tumor, sucking your energy and motivation. You feel the weight of the remaining work, that insurmountable mountain of knowledge. You steel yourself against the wind and begin climbing. Keeping your mind on page in front of you, you strive for an exalted level of focus. Must study.

t-24 hours: Sleep deprived, you arise. Forget showering, forget breakfast. Grab coffee and you are in the library. You don’t even kid yourself about going to class, there is too much to do.
***
Sitting there, blankly staring at the page, you think of your future patients. You imagine that moment, years from now, where a treatment decision rests on your shoulders. Instead of inspiring you to focus and study harder, it depresses you further. You reflect on all that you’ve studied and subsequently forgotten.

Hundreds of these imaginary moments assault your mind. Layer upon layer they build up in the pit of your stomach, no less real than any other moment in your life, making you sick.
***
t-12 hours: You’ve made the first pass, but now looking back, you can’t remember what you studied 6 days ago. The monster of futility grabs at your limbs, dragging you down into despair but you resist. Must keep working, must keep studying.
***
Imagine failing. Imagine seeing that 60. Imagine the look on your dad’s face, the kind words from your friends (which sting all the more, serving only to highlight your failure). Imagine having to drop out, having to explain to everyone that you weren't good enough.
***
t-6 hours: Get the sadness out of your system. Realize that you have worked and you do know a little bit. Maybe you’ll be okay.

t-4 hours: Nope. Nope nope nope. You are going to fail. Go to sleep feeling like the world is ending.

t-0 hours: You beg, just pass, just pass. Next time you’ll be better, you’ll work harder and smarter. Just pass.

Blast off...

******************************


So the season of Finals is here. Wooo. I swear I've been saying for years that I'll have better study habits for the next test... The next test is like the fabled tomorrow, it never really gets here :P

Effectively not studying

Energy Minimums

Let’s talk of energy landscapes
with peaks and valleys,
excited states & local minimums

Ask me about passion
I’ll point to a peak
Ask me about desire
I’ll grab your hand, we’ll go

Climbing & running
Together.
up up and up

Every look, every touch, every kiss
a packet of energy, electromagnetic,
draws us together
and we raise each other
up up and up

Exploding onto the peak
I’ll look into your eyes
and we will fall
down down and down

Entwined and embracing,
connecting, sharing
every breath, every thought, every laugh
down down and down.

Sinking past our old valleys
into a new
more stable, and shared
energy minimum.
****

It feels good to write again, I've really missed it. I'd like to thank my friend X for helping me get back into it. Without her push I would probably still be thinking about writing instead of actually writing.

Let me know what you think!

Blip.

I'm not dead. Not yet at least :)

I got a Masters in Biomedical Sciences. I got accepted into Medical School. Woo. I am now single but still friends with my ex. I laughed a lot. I cried some. I ran a lot. Like... a lot. I bike now, everywhere.

I accepted being atheist and it has helped me grow in ways that I didn't know were possible. It has allowed me to accept myself completely and see the world with shining eager eyes. I love to wake up in the morning.

Suffice it to say, a lot has happened these last few years.

Shall we jump in?

~~~
You tell me I'm condemned (yet I smile).
You tell me I'm evil (yet I smile - not with sarcasm).
You tell me that I don't deserve to live (yet I still smile - really).
I smile because I finally understand you.

You are scared (I'm here).
You are unsure (I'm here - seriously).
You are afraid of being wrong (I'm still here).
I am still here because I know how you feel.

There isn't any place for you to go after you die.
And that's okay.
You aren't going to see your loved ones again.
And that's okay.
The universe is large, complex, and ultimately apthetic.
And that's still okay.

As long we are here for each other, as long as we love each other, we don't need an afterlife.
We can make heaven here.
~~~

Uh wasn't expecting to write that. I'm a bit rusty, cut me some slack :)

There is something about the spring...

I finally wrote again today, just tid-bits, let me know what you guys think!

1:~
Draining desire
that unquenchable fire
to grow and to learn
weariness compounded
my spirit hounded
must have more
give me more
for never shall I rest
~
2:~
Our existence and uniqueness
are solely defined
by the continuity of our actions.
Be true to yourself, be consistent, do not be fickle
only then will you exist with uniqueness
~
3:~
We are one, you and I
Defined by the same function
Our difference lies only in the phase, the amplitude
Arched away from this real plane into the imaginary
All we need is a shift of perspective
All it takes is a tilt of the head,
Then you'll see...
We aren't so different, you and me...
~

1- I have never worked so hard in my life. I feel like I have internalized and been exposed to a torrent of knowledge this year, information that I could only dream of comprehending before. Yet again, as every time where I find myself standing at the ridge of new found knowledge, I see the next valley. I'm so excited :)
"And any man who knows a thing knows, he knows not a damn, damn thing at all" - Take a Minute - K'Naan

2- Its a differential-equations poem... yes yes, nerdy I know, but I have never felt so pure as how I feel when I do math. There is a certain bliss that manifests when I manipulate those numbers, I forget about everything else in the world. I'm not that talented in it either, and often times I struggle to get the correct result, but its the process that fuels my desire.
“It is not your pictures I like, it is your painting.” - Exile and the Kingdom - Albert Camus

3- Depending on how you look at it, every linear combination of sin(t) and cos(t) can be represented as one function, Rcos(t-delta). No matter how different people seem to be, its just a matter of squinting hard enough. I don't mean to simplify human beings, I'm just saying that if you make the effort, you can find a way to relate to your fellow citizens of the world.
~

Life is tough right now, more so than ever before. Worrying about medical school, stressing about lab, and pining to be with my girlfriend... all of these things makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning. But hearing her voice when I wake up, learning something new, and finally understanding what it means to truly work hard makes every day worthwhile :)

"Live to the point of tears." –Albert Camus

I bid your farewell for now, until next time!
-Sahil

My Reason

I wrote this a while back and I have rediscovered it in my restless wandering. It is a free-flow piece I did, I basically put the pencil to the paper and let it run, with no direction in mind. I hope you enjoy :)

My Reason

The earth which was once full of life, excitement, and bright colors seems to have lost its core, it reeks of lack luster, an eyesore and cold to the touch; perhaps in the fury of expression the human race spread its wings too fast, too furiously, forgetting that the wings were not their own but a gift from heaven, manna from the gods, which were given to them on good faith, with the hope that these simple creatures could arise to clandestine heights, unfettered by the clutches of inferior intelligence, yet the gods did not realize the mistake they had made, for with this intelligence came the fucked up belief that mankind was doomed to fail, that sooner or later hatred, greed or jealousy would catch up and screw everyone over, hell if not those of malicious intent, then sheer circumstance would get in the way, thwarting man from ever reaching its height, for man had indeed forgotten that life itself is a precious gift and small moments of happiness should be held ideal, because if those things aren’t what life is all about, then I’ll be damned if I want to keep living with all of this hate and prejudice that grips society to the core of its being that is truly good, I believe, everyone has it in them to do something good for the world, its just that the world is not perfect, and some people who should have more willpower to survive in their situation end up with less, and some of those who need not have anything but, and make their way through life trying to find a way to make use of their intense spirit. I am Sahil and my reason to live is to help other people, because without others, one is alone, and in turn nothing.

- Sahil Khanna

Thanks for reading :P

Nervous

I feel like the calm before a thunderstorm. I feel the anticipation in my bones, down to my very cells.

I feel like I'm on the edge. I've been slowly falling down this rocky slope, scraping my knees and hands in the futility of trying to keep myself up, and now I'm about to hit a sharp fall.

Although, heh, this fall is a GOOD thing... I'm just nervous as hell of what is to come...

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.
- Tom Stoppard

Here is to the future *cheers*! :)